At this time in my life it would be foolish to not be uncompromisingly honest with myself.
Self deception can only lead to suffering, and has always lead to suffering in my life.
Most of the time it has been very unconscious, but the consequence has always been the same.
To recognize clearly my desperate need for validation, recognition and to be seen as someone special, is so revealing.
I don't see myself as insincere, just habitually not looking deeply at the underlying reason for my suffering.
That suffering is an invitation, a motivation to have the courage to recognize my fear and insecurity, and enquire into the source of this suffering and fear.
Why is there such a desperate need to have to prove that I am someone, to be someone, and recognized as someone special. If I am inherently someone why would I need to put so much energy and time into cultivating this identity, and continually need to have this fragile insecure identity recognized and validated by others ?
No matter how I disguise conceal, camouflage or cloak this underlying fear insecurity and need, with spiritual values, concepts, ideals, beliefs and beautiful talk about love and oneness, I will ultimately suffer - this is self deception at it's height of deception.
Obviously if there is a solid identity called kunda there would be no need to continually give it recognition to keep it validated and alive, and feeling worthwhile, it would just be.
I am not in some intellectual adviatic self denial that I don't exist. I have enough neurosis to keep me captivated in identity for one hundred lifetimes.
It's time to have the courage to look right now at what the underlying truth is, despite all the fear neurosis and drama - time is running out.
My need for validation and recognition is a desperate bid to not face the fact that there is ultimately nothing that is solid or substantial called Kunda, John, Bill, Betty or Shakti.
This is meeting death in the face, this is the door way to freedom
Love has continually invited and pursued me and tried to seduce me.
But I have always been on the run, and despite me ignoring that love, and being infatuated and seduced by everything but that love, it has never abandoned me
When I stop and face this, meet this.
Only tears can speak of this.
This is what I have always known, but have been to busy to remember.
Thank god this love will endlessly pursue me, and will always be here waiting.
Love is timeless, and I can see that this life is a precious opportunity to know that.
Eyes Are Wide Open - who is the seer http://kundamusic.com/track/643767/eyes-are-wide-open?feature_id=123461&trackship_id=706496
