I was with a friend today having a cup of tea, and after an hour of conversing together, I was painfully aware of my fear, tension and resistance to allow the conversation to end, to allow space, to allow silence.
Despite feeling that fear and resistance, the conversation did come to an end. Initially there was uneasiness and tension in the silence, and my feeling was to fill in the space with conversation as quickly as possible. I found myself staying with the uneasiness, feeling the discomfort of this resistance to silence. After a short time the tension left; and there was this simple relaxed awareness.
From that place speaking happened, or it didn't, thoughts came and went; and looking out the window banana leaves were moving in the breeze, everything was just happening in the most simple, ordinary and natural way. I found myself no longer in resistance, I was in the same room, and with the same person; but now without resistance to silence. Everything flowed in the most natural way; there was a peace and easiness with no tension. I was in conversation, and I was aware of conversation. There was this simple, relaxed tension free beauty and peace of non-resistance; the freedom of everything just being as it is, without fear, control or preference.
It was like awareness being aware of awareness, and observing everything arising and returning, like drawing pictures on still water.
Having shared this story with you, where am I now ? Was this an experience that has come and gone, and hopefully I can recapture this 'experience' sometime in the future ?
From my observation life seems to be an endless series of experiences that come and go in awareness. Usually I find the conversation and the experience is the greater part that I relate to, and identify with; and awareness is somewhere in the background.
It seems that when fear and doubt are not given attention, awareness becomes more and more apparent.
I have frustration around finding myself resting in awareness, and then finding myself out of this awareness, and then not knowing how to get back into resting in this awareness.
Sitting here I realize that fear and doubt are like a dark cloud that I create; and from that place of fear and doubt, I debate and discuss as to where, and how to find the sun.